In Constant Flux

Yesterday we went to my parents house to celebrate the Smith-family birthday. It's like Christmas twice a year and it's great. And, best of all, I got the greatest present ever. Yep, you know I got an ant farm. Probably the coolest toy ever invented. And you better believe that I am way to impatient to wait for the ants to come in the mail so I sure did go catch a bunch on the sidewalk in the front yard. My wife thinks I'm crazy. I don't blame her. The only little problem is the ants I caught are really little and I think this particular ant farm was built for slightly larger ants so the ones I have can escape through the air holes in the top. Better find a way to fix that, huh.

And today I had my history final!!! I never have to go back to that class again and there's not much that makes me happier than that. (Although, the ant farm comes pretty close.) One final exam down and just two more to go. I can't wait for this week to be over and things will settle down for a minute.

Ahh. Sigh of relief.

Today isn't very fun. It's one of those days that everything (and everyone) just irritates me. I don't know why. I don't enjoy it either. But, here I am at a fabulous job (sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm) just wanting to go home. I also have a thousand things to memorize before Monday and I just can't seem to get it. Today is a feel bad for myself day. Deal with it.

Wow!!! Today is just one of those strangely good days. I was driving to work today, which I usually dread and despise, and just had an interesting moment. I couldn't help thinking how fabulous my life is. This is pretty weird considering I have felt totally overwhelmed with everything that is going on.

Oh, don't worry. I'm still stressed to the gills, but overall I've got it pretty good. Of course I still hate my job, I still worry about finals in a week or so and I just plain hate having to worry about money, but it really could be so much worse. I was thinking back to my mission days in the scorching deserts (desserts? I don't know, I always get them mixed up) of Mexico. I saw so much poverty and suffering that it's unreal. Almost no one had a car and I have a great one, two even. I have a real floor in my house. Some of them only made 5 pesos a day. That's less than 5 dollars. Wow. They deal with unclean water, corrupt police and government, sanitation problems, putting bars on their windows so they don't get robbed in the middle of the day, and wondering if their children will ever make it through elementary school before dropping out.

What do I really worry about. I guess my only worry is keeping my wife safe and happy and paying rent and tuition. Its not so bad. As a student I make 20 times more money than they do in a day, I can drink water out of the faucet without worrying about getting a disease, the police work to keep me safe instead of exploiting me, I have never been robbed, and most everyone realizes the importance of education. I really do have it good. Excellent even.

Even if I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up or if I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to pay for school, I know that I have it way better than 90% of the people in this world. What do I really have to complain about? Yeah, I have trials, as does everyone else in the world. But, looking at the situation in other parts of this beautiful planet, mine seem pretty minuscule and petty.

My family is great, I'm healthy, I have the greatest wife in the universe, and I'm just plain happy. What am I complaining about?

I have no idea really.

I got back from my backpacking trip yesterday. It was fabulous. Three days of drinking water with dead insects floating in it that I scooped from a stagnant pool in the middle of the desert. Watching my teacher, who has the biggest belly ever, almost eat it when he trips on a rock. Meeting some of the coolest people I think I have ever known and loving every single second of it.

Except...

I had too much time to think. When that happens, my life goes down the crapper in my head. Of course I think about it all the time, but when I slow down for a minute it goes crazy. Since I got home from my mission I have had this struggle in my mind of what it is that I love and want to do for the rest of my life. Of course getting married was number one on the list and I couldn't have gotten a better girl. Why? Because she's just simply the best. But then there's the question of my means of earning a living for like the next 50 years. First, I wanted to be a doctor, then a pilot, then a doctor again, then a research biologist, then a professor, then a high school teacher, then a park ranger, then be on search and rescue, etc. etc. etc. I have even considered being a cop and even just a bum on the street (I'm pretty sure Aimee wouldn't like that).

The question is then, is how do you people know what your passion is? How are you so dedicated to one thing? Don't you think you might get bored after 30 years of the same thing? That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to pick one thing cause I'm scared of not liking it later. It all just makes me want to cry. How do you know when it's just the right thing?

Hmmm...back to just thinking and changing my mind every minute until I figure it out I guess.

Holy moly. I am so unmotivated right now. (is that even a word? it sounds funny) I have this five page paper that I'm trying to write but for some reason I just don't want to. I guess that part of it is that I really don't care for the class. I'm trying to do a good job because I'm anal about getting good grades, but at the same time I just can't seem to please my professor. Uhg. I like my math and my chemistry class but there's something about history and government that just rubs me the wrong way. It's just a pain in the tuckus.

On a good note, I have my backpacking trip in two days and I can't wait. I love to just be away. Just me and mother nature having a chat. There's something about it that's just relaxing and mind-clearing. I still have to go grocery shopping to make sure I don't starve, but I'm excited.

Just a moment to vent some frustration.

Well, today was a pretty decent day as far as school goes. History was boring as can be expected. I fought hard to keep my eyes open and my mind focused. Math was surprisingly good. I understood it so that's a plus. Then I had my chemistry midterm that I absolutely have to do well on because it determines the score I get on the test I missed for the honeymoon. I feel pretty good about it, but I try not to get my hopes up too much. Whenever I seem to be really excited about a test I just took it seems something goes crazy wrong and I do terribly. The only thing to do is wait and see, right?

As I left school feeling pretty good about the day. I was excited to just not worry about school for the rest of the day. Then it hit me that tomorrow is Tuesday. Lame. I have two lab reports due tomorrow that I haven't even looked at since last week. Then I remembered good news again. I remembered that I don't have to turn in my math lab report tomorrow. Halelujah.

So, I started in on my chemistry lab. After nearly 3 hours of trying to figure out how to make a graph on Excel (I've never used it before) I came out triumphant. A beautiful creation of lines and dots. Still not done with the report, though. I'll do it when I get home cause I just don't feel like it right now.

And that was my day.

Good Friday. Kind of an ironic term don't you think? Why would you call that good? Maybe because it was the single most important, and darkest, day of history...ever. The one and only single act of charity was displayed throughout a horrendous display of cruelty.

Good Friday. A day filled with irony. A betrayal by a kiss, the greatest sign of loyalty and commitment. Every detail of an unjust capture, trial, conviction, and sentence was against the very law that the persecutors were "protecting." Suffering not once, but twice for being absolutely perfect. And ultimately: Death, by a most excruciating means.

Then another day: Holy Saturday. Today. A day spent in a tomb.

Sunday. Easter. A release of pain and death.

One question: Why? One answer: For me.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.-- Joseph B. Wirthlin.

There has never been a more glorious day!

Easter!

Eastre!

It's almost the end of the semester and I think I'm near a nervous breakdown. With all of the papers to write and tests to study for and homework to turn in I'm rapidly descending to the point of not giving a rats behind about it all anymore. But, despite all the busyness things are grand, I really have never been happier. Life is good.

Married life is great. It has been one month and three days now and I have truly enjoyed every minute. The missus and I don't see each other much due to school and work and what not, but its nice to have someone to come home to. I just wish there was more time in the day.

One thing I'm certainly looking forward to is my backpacking trip next weekend. It'll be a nice little escape from the world. Unfortunately it's a school trip so it wont be as fun, but it's something, right? The bad part about it is that I had to get work off and in order to do so I have to work on Easter Sunday. Crap! Easter dinner will have to wait a few hours.

And of course I am trying to save the world. At the moment my bandwagon of choice is ninemillion.org. Jump on!